To DeW, Will and Yves, thank you for taking on the task of trying to get out the truth and to work with the facts in Ben’s (Caleb) case.

Although it is a bit unsettling to see such odd comments made by someone about our loved one, it only pushes me to pursue my own inquiry into our dear sons last days and moments so that we can all better understand the motives and circumstances that surrounded his life and his reasons for wanting to end it this way.

I have talked to several of his friends while in SD last week tending to Ben. They have been a comfort and also a conduit of information and stories that have provided much comfort to the family. We thank you for being there for Ben and all of us.

You cannot imagine how much all of that has meant to us and how much you all mean to us even more now.

No matter the reasons, Ben’s passing did allow for my Loving wife (Ben’s “Mama” as he called her) to meet some of the dearest and rich spirited young people that claimed Ben as their friend and hearts Love. I am moved to tears when I remember you all and recall the past week with each of you, sharing this pain and rejoicing his life.

I truly regret that it took a situation such as this to finally meet many of you. We would have preferred to continue to share Benny with all of you in life as opposed to death. We want you each to know that you are now a member of our extended family that always seemed to grow due to Ben and his life.

We hope we can all go on in this life staying in contact and meeting time and again to celebrate life and all of its goodness.

So, for the record:
Benjamin Eli Gilbert
Age: 28
Born: Oct 9, 1980
POB: Fontana, CA
Died: Feb 18, 2009, based on M.E. report.
Official TOD: Feb 20, 2009. That was the date that Ben was discovered by the SDPD.

We wish to thank the SDPD for responding to our call for assistance to help locate Ben. They did a great job and were at his apt within minutes of the initial call by his close friend T, whom we were in communication with throughout the day. Thank you T, without you there, we may not have known until much later.

As far as Ben watching a vid titled the “Last Hangman”. I have not been through all of his DVD collection as of yet, but the ones we have sorted thru did not contain one titled as such. I will however keep a dry eye open for it. If it is here, I will find it.

I did go thru his computer and I did not see it in his DVD listed vids he had recently played and there was no disk in the CD drive.
His surf history does not show him going to any web site that ran that movie either. Ben did not have a TV, VCR or DVD player except for his laptop.

Ben had very few material possessions in this life.

As far as Ben being unhappy, well aren’t we all from time to time? Life isn’t as easy for some as it is for others. Ben was involved with someone and it was a relationship that brought its difficulties and pain. In my opinion, it wasn’t healthy. I am still putting together the story of that relationship.

Ben was having a tough time finding work and had finally landed a job at a restaurant, Gourmet Hotdog. TJ the owner is a good guy in our book and I ask all to go by and say hey for Ben and try something from his menu as a thanks for offering Ben a job when he needed it most. Ben was very excited to get started at GH.

When I called TJ last week and broke the news to him about Ben, he took it pretty hard and that struck me to the core. I was deeply touched by the level of his grief and concern. He has a son as well and it hit home for him. It was clear to me how much charm and grace Ben possessed.

He was also attending community college and was set on becoming a Therapist and focusing on helping others in the Gay community. We were very proud of his finally getting some focus and direction and supported him in many ways to help him reach his dream.

We were always aware of Ben’s work in the adult vid biz and although we didn’t like it, we understood it, accepted it as a part of Ben and did not judge him. He discussed the scripts he was writing and shared his production company plans and partnerships. We were in the loop only to the extent that he let us in.

With his passing, we are now able to find out much more about his involvements and dealings in that industry. These things are complex as you might expect, but we are intelligent worldly people and there isn’t much out there that shocks us. There are no barriers in our minds that prevent us from looking, listening and observing what is out there in order to get our questions answered. I hope that those we eventually meet will be as candid with us as they are with the camera.

Ben had the cultivated ability to conceal his deeper feelings and fears, even to his closest confidants. Can I hear an amen? He let on that he was fine, but deep inside; he struggled maybe more than most. He didn’t choose the easy path when it came to his sexuality and his community. It brought him great pleasure and often great pain. He became HIV infected due to his own careless and reckless behaviors and he took responsibility for it. He had some very recent medical concerns unrelated to his HIV condition. He cleared the fence 2 weeks ago with that concern and was fine.

I reviewed his recent hematology reports due to his HIV condition and looked over his daily med records. His doctor reported that his viral load was nearly “Non-Exist”. His blood was strong and healthy with no indication that Ben was in any near or long term danger.

For us, it appeared that Benny had safely turned a blind corner and that things would now pick up for him. However, we never truly knew or understood the depth of his pain when it came to matters of the heart and Love.

In the end, Ben wrote to a friend, “I just want to be normal”. I suspect that says it all, but who defines what normal is? For each of us there is a different definition of normal and trying to live within our own definition or even attempting to find it for ourselves can be the hardest thing we will ever do. We know that Ben wanted to have a “normal” Love relationship with a man of like heart.

He had some good role models in his life. My brother Steve and his life partner (now Husband) Bob. 25 years together and still in Love and committed faithfulness. Ben sometimes told his Mama that he wanted for himself what she has in me. I am flattered at his complement, but please note that she makes me want to be the man I always wanted to be in matters of Love and relationship. It is constant work, but work I look forward to every day none the less.

So whatever “normal” Ben was seeking, I have sincere trust in God that he finally found that perfect “normal” Love in God and in Heaven.

And the truth shall set you free Dearest Benjamin, now fly freely with your real angel’s wings and not that darn Victoria’s Secret strap-on wing set, my son. When I see you on the other side, you can catch me up on the latest in feather-wing fashion, halo settings and design, proper white robe adornment and the latest in harp hits that we will download on our H-Pods.

Till then, rest in peace Son.